If It Wasn’t For Hockey, I Never Would’ve Sworn In Front Of My Mother

If it wasn’t for hockey,

I never would’ve sworn in front of my mother.

Being from the south,

This sport was unlike any other.

It’s brutal, it’s fast.

The first sport I fell in love with,

Despite my past.

But that chill from the ice,

Led to some words,

None of which were nice.

One slip of the skate,

Two for the tongue.

Before we all knew it,

Someone had their bell rung.

The next word I dropped was a bomb.

It started with an “F”.

I didn’t mean it mom!

The first time I heard it was from my brother.

But if it wasn’t for hockey,

I never would’ve sworn in front of my mother.

No Tears

            The vote is final: the Coyotes are staying. Fans can rejoice as they wake up in their pajamas to the Arizona heat, knowing that they can still go to the rink and watch the best sport in the world…and cool off near the ice. And good ole Biznasty can stay in his good mood despite all the chirps he gets, because at least he doesn’t have to get a new jersey. Yes, Coyotes fans, all is well in the hockey world…for you at least. Some hockey fans, on the other hand, aren’t nearly as happy and are struggling with many conflicting emotions. Don’t believe me? Look as far as Houston, your fellow southern city with scorching temperatures that faced the same situation you just did hours ago, but their ending wasn’t nearly as happy.

            With a 4-3 vote, the Coyotes barely scraped by, and with bags prepared for Seattle now being unpacked, let’s talk about that one vote. One vote. ONE. Against Glendale’s mayor. And they still won. There is some irony to be mentioned in the underdog winning by just a small margin. But unfortunately the underdog doesn’t always win, and this fairy-tale ending didn’t come to many teams like it did the Coyotes. Some teams didn’t get that one winning vote for them, and some barely got one vote at all. And while Coyotes fans are cheering that for once someone actually cared about them, the other less-fortunate teams are still being told “it’s just business” while still choking back tears.

            Fellow desert friend Texas, just two states over from Arizona, is still struggling from the recent loss of the historic team the Houston Aeros. While the Coyotes were saved by caring human beings, the Aeros fell victim to utter greed of a single man. Forty years of hockey history gone in a single decision. And guess where they’re going? Iowa. Another state that has lost a hockey team, multiple in fact. At least the Coyotes were planning to go to Seattle, where there are more people than corn. Not that you can blame Iowa for losing their teams because just like Houston, the fans may have been loyal, but “it’s just business”. Yeah, gets old to hear doesn’t it? That was someone’s team to watch growing up. That was the team that got someone into the greatest sport on Earth. That was the team someone made friends over, spent time with their family to watch, and opened a whole new world of sports loving. That was their team. And now they’re gone.

            Despite the heartache, Aeros fans will suck it up, because there’s no crying in hockey. We’ll be happy for you, because as fellow fans always being told that you can’t sell hockey in the south, we’re glad you were able to argue otherwise. And though we give you a nice pat on the back, please understand some of us are a touch bitter. You got the story-book ending we hoped for, and struggled year after year alongside you, but in the end we still lost our team. And it’s not just us; many cities have lost their teams and have felt the same pain we do now. We’ll still be happy for you though, but we won’t deny our jealousy.

            This one hits home, and it hits hard. The Coyotes are staying and with that, the reputation of hockey in the south just got a bit brighter. Fans can breathe a sigh of relief and get a nice pat on the back. But is it too much to ask to be a shoulder to cry on for those less fortunate? Now that Coyotes fans know the exhausting struggle of asking day after day “Will my team still be here next season?” and the final moments of panic and uncertainty as you wait for the final decision, maybe you’ll be sympathetic to those who went through the same thing but got the very results you were terrified to get. From all the broken-hearted fans holding back their tears, we’re happy for you Phoenix…but can you please get us some tissues and chocolate?

Hey Philly, Bryz Isn't the Problem

            Guys! Guys! Flyers are going to buy out Bryzgalov’s contract! We’re saved! Just like when we traded Richards, Carter, and Bobrovsky…Oh wait. Richards and Carter went on to win the Stanley Cup with the Kings and Bobrovsky won Vezina with the Jackets. But that’s okay, right? I mean, look at the media guy Randy J. Miller commenting on how unprofessional Bryzgalov was in his completely misplaced Twitter rant, saying things that were supposed to have been off the record. Also read his stuff, it’s always saying how much Bryz sucks. I mean sure, it doesn’t say why he sucks and why the Flyers defense is completely non-existent and doesn’t say anything about what we need to improve on, but yeah, Bryz sucks.
            Welcome to the Philadelphia Flyers, home of every hockey player that suddenly gets better when they leave. Or do they? Actually they don’t. They play exactly the way they did before, but now with a team that actually works for them and with a media that isn’t ripping them apart for breathing wrong. Not that the media’s to blame completely for the team not producing, but they certainly will make a player’s life hell if they aren’t Wayne Gretzky reincarnate. In fact, if you really want someone to blame – and I’m talking to you too, Randy J. Miller – look as far as your GM and owner. Hell, did the Flyers hire Milbury? Might as well have with their “let’s sign this guy to a ridiculously long and expensive contract, and if he doesn’t get us the Cup within 2-5 years let’s trade him” policy. Damn. I mean, really, just wow. Without consistency in your roster, you aren’t going to find any consistency in your team’s productivity. But yeah, let’s blame the goalie, or the captain, or that guy selling the hot dogs, because that’s our problem.
            Here’s the truth Philly: Your goalie isn’t the problem. Your offense isn’t the problem. Your defense is the problem. Yes, you can re-read that. Your defense is the problem. The Flyers D looks like the Leafs in the last five minutes of Game 7 against the Bruins, just in every game, every shift, and with every player. And no, fighting doesn’t count as defense. Your guys fight a lot, but when you’re too busy trying to start something behind the play while you let the other team’s offense skip right through to your goalie who’s mind is a battlefield after being slaughtered by your media day after day…they’re probably going to score…a lot. And so the cycle repeats and repeats, and instead of realizing that maybe your defense should actually get to their spot on the blue line or on the goalie’s blind side, you decide to blame someone else and trade them. Actually Mr. Miller, if you’re still upset about Bryz hanging up on you, maybe you can ask one of the D-men to take you out to dinner because they’re obviously not busy with anything.
            The defense problem is actually easy to address, if you know, you address it. Stop getting rid of your goalies, stop getting rid of your captains, and focus on fixing your D. They actually aren’t bad players, but for whatever reason they’re just not clicking. Maybe focus on coaching them differently, or add some new players to mix in with your best while trading the less desirable, just something until the problem’s fixed. Get your GM and owner to focus on that, and maybe, if you’re patient, the hockey gods will give you the D you’ve been dreaming of. (Yes, you can laugh at that last sentence.)
            Philly, stop blaming everyone if you don’t get the Cup within three years with your new team, because then you’ll end up looking like the Oilers…and that might be more embarrassing than your media (still looking at you Randy). Be patient, address the real problems, and stop thinking a trade or buyout every year is going to save you, because it’s not. The players you got rid of have gone on to win great things, while you’re still sitting there wondering how many more players can you ruin before you start to look like the Rangers. It’s not working for them, it’s not working for you, and so maybe it’s about time to change that…And for hockey god’s sake, get that shit media out of the locker room.